You can call this an introduction

introductions are hard for me.

etymologically, to introduce means to lead inside, and one would expect a leader to know where they are going, to know what they are leading you towards.

but i have to be honest...

i don't know who i am.

i don't know what the purpose of this will be.

and i have nowhere to lead you.

if i tried, we would end up wandering around in circles and you'd ask for your money back and leave a yelp review stating, "worst tour ever - the guide didn't know where the fuck she was going!"

not knowing who i was or what i was here for used to be a source of deep shame and intense panic. (sometimes it still is.) i felt like a fraud for changing personalities depending on the day, or the weather, or the people i was around. i felt a sense of impending doom that time was running out and i'd never successfully locate where i was meant to leave my mark on humanity. i felt like i was drowning in a sea of possibilities with no footing to take a step toward actualizing any of them. (sometimes i still feel all of these things.)

but then i learned my human design. i learned about my undefined identity center. i learned that the vast expanse of everything/nothingness that my sense of self emerged from was never meant to be pinned down, defined, or understood. 

my identity is formless. it's ineffable. trying to explain it is like trying to explain the universe - every attempt falls flat, and the attempt itself is maddening.

so if you're here, and you plan on staying, the best guidance i can give you is to drop your expectations. i don't know how, or when, or why i'll show up. i do know that the how/when/why will be authentic to me in each and every instance, even if they don’t match up when you put them all together. 

who i am might not make sense to you. i don’t know if it will ever make sense to me. but i like to think that when i'm 103, lying on my death bed, i'll look back at the string of people i was and things i did, and think…

ah, yes, i was absolutely everything i wanted to be.